A couple of days ago, I found an old computer table in my basement and brought it upstairs to my room.  The desk is made of cheap steel and particleboard. The paint has peeled off of it. I have borrowed a hideous table lamp from my parents’ bedroom and a small clay pot one of my younger sisters made in ceramics class. I moved the cracked Ansel Adams print that used to rest in a chair to the other corner of the room.  That chair was taken from my neighbor’s porch a few years ago after they moved their ailing parents to Chicago and left it behind. I put the chair in front of my new desk. 

I hung up cheap corkboard and a dry erase board. I stole the speakers from on top of our piano and plugged them into the laptop I got off of Craigslist for 40 dollars.

I now have a home office in my little bedroom. 

I have spent all of this week in front of this computer—applying for jobs, practicing Hindi and sight-reading music, reading blog posts about being self-employed, drinking wine with friends and sleeping in-between. 

I finally finished my insurance course today. I voxered my bosses and they both expressed happiness.  My test is scheduled for next Wednesday. If I pass the test, I can start writing business and making money that weekend. Meanwhile, I need to pray to Jehovah and post some more ads on Craigslist so I can pay for deodorant, vegetables, gasoline, a decent pair of pants, an oil change, a pair of ballet flats, hair conditioner and tickets to Mayer Hawthorne’s show in a couple of weeks.

I have been working on different projects this week. One of them is fitness, which is why I’ve been posting so much fitspiration stuff. I’m tired of the gym, to the point where I’m thinking of cancelling my membership and just doing what I have been doing— soccer when there’s a game, working out at home when there’s not.  

The other thing I’ve been working on is discovering music that is new to me. I’m working on 5 bands a day. My new favourite bands are Braid, Fleet Foxes, Best Coast, Spiritualized, Say Anything, Sunny Day Real Estate, Fitz & The Tantrums, The Buzzcocks, Stiff Little Fingers, Drive Like Jehu and LIGHTS. I’m adding at least two new playlists to Spotify every day. It’s a joy. 

It’s helping to abate the loneliness of working at home. 

Not like I’m any stranger to loneliness; it just wears on me sometimes, being holed up and living a different lifestyle than many of my friends. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally an owl either. I don’t miss early mornings, but I do miss having conversations over coffee and eggs with others. 

I think I’m spending too much time alone. I’m hoping to spend some time out on the  town this week, starting with M83’s concert Saturday night. 

arguments like fireworks;

My aunt and my mother have made me feel like I am in a mire of irritation this week.

It’s this bloody car. There have been problems.

The first problem was that of money. Although I love my current job, I’ve taken a 50% cut in pay, and my pay was lousy to begin with. It takes me twice as long to make what I was making beforehand.

I bought a one-week insurance policy in order to get this car legal. I had to wait for my pay on Friday to get to the DMV. Saturday, the DMV was so crowded I couldn’t get seen. Today I came to the realization that the incompetent insurance agent put my driver’s license number as my VIN. I had to double-back to get the correct proof-of-insurance, and by that time, it was closed for today.

My aunt— who has reneged on every single offer she has made about this car— gave me an ultimatium today.

“Pay the title out of my name so I don’t get sued if you crash, or I’m refunding you the 300 hundred you paid me for the car and I’m taking it back.” 

I’m at a breaking point here. I’ve pushed every extreme in order to get this car, and if she does this, it’s going to get very ugly. Every hurtful and angry word that I  have swallowed regarding this matter, and our relationship, will spill out of my mouth if she does this.

I do not think I can stress hard enough how terribly important having this car is to me. My entire adult life hinges on this car right now— work, travel, fitness, education, life, everything! If she takes this car away from me, I have to fight it because my quality of life will suffer tremendously. I literally will not be able to do my job. 

The hurdles I’ve had to overcome to do this:

1. I burned out an entire tank of gas, borrowed three days worth of my friends’ time and lost credibility at work in order to learn how to drive this car. She said she was going to teach me. She did not.
2. I had to buy a one-week policy in order to insurance the vehicle long enough for the title transfer. The one week policy was 80% of two weeks pay.
3. I have gone to the DMV three times about this matter, and have been turned away because of circumstances beyond my control.
4. My mother has been contentious and angry with me because my aunt has been nattering at her about this matter, which she has nothing to do with. Considering how difficult it already is for anyone to get along with my mother, I did not need this extra strife added to the household. 
5. She was supposed to give me this car for free. That was the original agreement. After buying parts that could have waited until this car was under my possession, she demanded I pay her 300 dollars or she was going to sell it to someone else.
6. Today I had to take out a payday loan in order to buy gas, food and the title for this car. 

I am not usually one to keep score when people wrong me, but I’m doing the very best that I can. She’s being unfair, and I’m not having it. Tomorrow this ends. And I have the ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach that some ties will be severed. 

I know that I constantly talk about my introverted disposition, but I’ve been out and about with people very much lately.

At my job, for the first time, I am friends with my co-workers. I actually would not mind doing something after-hours with them. My bosses have decided to take me and Abigail, my co-worker, to Atlanta for a work conference.

I have been procrastinating when it comes to getting my insurance license. I’ve been having a case of cold feet. Being an INFJ and a saleswoman seems mutually exclusive. The traveling aspect also vaguely reminds of Gregor Samsa, and that’s terrifying. I’m trying really hard to overcome the natural Bohemian aversion to 9-5 but it’s not working very well.

Anyway, I am EXTREMELY excited about the road trip we’re going to take, mostly because my bosses are paying for it. They were debating about whether or not we would fly, but they seem to enjoy driving. They said I could ride in the car with them, but I am unprepared to spend 12 hours in a car with their four year old son. I usually like children, but this kid has a mild case of “little emperor” syndrome. I’m looking forward to meeting all of their friends down south, and making this “insurance agent” thing official.

I just invested the last three weeks into learning how to drive and manage my car. It has finally payed off. Today was the first day I spent on the highway, and I loved it. There is something so soothing, so… hypnotic… about driving on the freeway. It almost holds a mystic appeal to me.

This car has a sunroof, a fine stereo and a responsive (now that I know how to use it) clutch, but the best thing about this car on the freeway was the fact that it does not shake. My first car was horrible on the freeway. It shook violently, as if it were to come apart at any moment. I actually would get carsick from time-to-time. The tires were always weak and gimpy, and the steering column would shake so much my arms would be sore once I got home. The speakers in the old car were the only thing that is superior. Everybody who knows me remembers my old car, and has been celebrating with me.

Driving a stick is actually a lot of fun on the freeway. I cruised down I-75 at 85 mph, and came to the realization that it felt slowin this car.  The speedometer in the old one was dead, which means I must have been going 100+ this whole time. In any case, I spent an hour or two driving to nowhere in particular, enjoying the warm day. It’s been almost eerily warm here in Michigan. Today it was at least 75 degrees. It was beautiful, but it feels like the calm before the storm. This must be what they’re talking about when it comes to climate change.

Lonie and I spent the afternoon together watching one of our favourite silent films— The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.Because it was at the DFT, there was actual live accompaniment, and for some reason seeing it on the big screen gave me an understanding I didn’t have previously. We walked around Wayne State’s campus before coming back to her house and having drinks with her sister Heath.

I haven’t mentioned yet Heath, have I? I like her. She’s different now than she was when we first met. I think that she’s found herself in a way that she couldn’t have in high school. She’s more individualistic now than ever. When I first met Lonie, she was so blindingly unique that Heath looked plain in comparison. Now she’s owns herself, and that means that we now get on swimmingly. We both share a love of medicine, fitness and dub-step. It’s rare that I get to be friends with an entire family; I end up only being close to one or two people.

I am still feeling very, very poor, but also happy. Maybe it’s because winter is finally over and I’m doing more things that I love, but life feels very sweet right now. Today I was taken back to that beautiful place I was my freshman year of college- inhibitions gone, smile plastered on my face, lots of days with friends.