IN THE STREET ONE DAY I SAW YOU AMONG THE CROWD;
It’s like the brief moments our paths crossed are being rotoscoped in my head:
I am walking with Dia. I have on a blue and white polka dot dress and my hair is more tame than usual. She is wearing a green dress and a beige bag, and sandals. The day is hot and the sun is going down. In a crowd of thousands, he suddenly appears before me, waiting in line to order a hot dog with sauerkraut on it.
“No, no, no, no, no, oh my God.” My inner dialogue comes out.
Please Lord, not here, not now, not twice in one agonizing August.
But it was true. There he was— tight red t-shirt,face still freckled from vacation, hair silvering just behind his ears. Dia strode right up to him, and I cursed at her in Spanish.
”I hate you right now.” ,I murmured sweetly in Spanish.
“I don’t speak that gibberish.”
“I know. I’ll tell you what I said in the car. “
“HEY!” he said, enthusiastically, as he turned around. “It’s good to see you!” A smile flashed up on his face, like a solar flare. I trembled inside.
I cannot remember our exact words, but I remember how our body language was. He was completely surprised to see us, especially Dia. They literally haven’t seen each other in years.
I remember drinking in every minute detail as we talked— his eyes,the joy lines that are forming grooves on his forehead , the rounded tip of his nose, the freckles dusting his cheeks and the back of his neck, the way his arms strained against that Coke-label-red shirt….
And I also remember the nervous tics he had as I stood next to him. I looked him in the eye and he looked down at his shoes. We departed, him more hastily than I.
“He wasn’t happy to see me.” I lamented to her later.
“Oh, he was just surprised, Di. I’m sure he just wasn’t prepared, like you weren’t prepared three weeks ago.”
I wish I had the courage to just have asked him if he and his friends ( for he was there with people from his Hall) wanted to join us for dinner. I realized later that would have been a terrible idea, for I spent my last just getting in the door.
Still, I looked for him in the crowd again and again, but I couldn’t find him. We were at Mayer Hawthorne’s latest concert here in Michigan. He must have been closer to the stage. I danced to the music and took Dia home promptly after. It was the prudent thing to do, for we had to sneak back in to the festival.
They wanted to see my ID and I couldn’t produce it because I left my wallet in the car.
I was put into a daze that I’m only just now emerging from, four days later.
Twice in one month, by complete coincidence?
I nearly didn’t go over there to say ‘hello’. If Dia wasn’t there, I would not have. I would have turned around on my heel and pretended I didn’t see him. Not because I don’t want to see him…. but because I do, so desperately.
I am an adult, but he is the only man that I have ever met that makes me tremble like a teenage girl.
Mayer Hawthorne. Sing to me!!!!!
I love me some Mayer Hawthorne <3
A couple of days ago, I found an old computer table in my basement and brought it upstairs to my room. The desk is made of cheap steel and particleboard. The paint has peeled off of it. I have borrowed a hideous table lamp from my parents’ bedroom and a small clay pot one of my younger sisters made in ceramics class. I moved the cracked Ansel Adams print that used to rest in a chair to the other corner of the room. That chair was taken from my neighbor’s porch a few years ago after they moved their ailing parents to Chicago and left it behind. I put the chair in front of my new desk.
I hung up cheap corkboard and a dry erase board. I stole the speakers from on top of our piano and plugged them into the laptop I got off of Craigslist for 40 dollars.
I now have a home office in my little bedroom.
I have spent all of this week in front of this computer—applying for jobs, practicing Hindi and sight-reading music, reading blog posts about being self-employed, drinking wine with friends and sleeping in-between.
I finally finished my insurance course today. I voxered my bosses and they both expressed happiness. My test is scheduled for next Wednesday. If I pass the test, I can start writing business and making money that weekend. Meanwhile, I need to pray to Jehovah and post some more ads on Craigslist so I can pay for deodorant, vegetables, gasoline, a decent pair of pants, an oil change, a pair of ballet flats, hair conditioner and tickets to Mayer Hawthorne’s show in a couple of weeks.
I have been working on different projects this week. One of them is fitness, which is why I’ve been posting so much fitspiration stuff. I’m tired of the gym, to the point where I’m thinking of cancelling my membership and just doing what I have been doing— soccer when there’s a game, working out at home when there’s not.
The other thing I’ve been working on is discovering music that is new to me. I’m working on 5 bands a day. My new favourite bands are Braid, Fleet Foxes, Best Coast, Spiritualized, Say Anything, Sunny Day Real Estate, Fitz & The Tantrums, The Buzzcocks, Stiff Little Fingers, Drive Like Jehu and LIGHTS. I’m adding at least two new playlists to Spotify every day. It’s a joy.
It’s helping to abate the loneliness of working at home.
Not like I’m any stranger to loneliness; it just wears on me sometimes, being holed up and living a different lifestyle than many of my friends. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally an owl either. I don’t miss early mornings, but I do miss having conversations over coffee and eggs with others.
I think I’m spending too much time alone. I’m hoping to spend some time out on the town this week, starting with M83’s concert Saturday night.