renacimiento

We have spent the last two days touring Jehovah’s Witnesses’ headquarters. What did I see there? Lots of beautiful, beautiful places, people and artwork. I even knew a couple of the volunteers there. I was thoroughly impressed by what I saw. I will post the pictures when I have some time on the way home.

Yesterday, we also went to Times Square, and I was impressed by what I saw there too. So many people from all over the world, so many flashing lights and neon signs and places to go and things to do! New York City is overwhemling when you’re used to living in Detroit. Our town square is more of a 9-5 place. Detroit is a commuter town. Hardly anyone lives downtown anymore.

I want to move to New York now, terribly, terribly.

The highlight of my day yesterday was I had a chance to read this diary entry at the Apollo Theater. Yes, that Apollo. When I move out here, I intend to be a regular on Amateur Wednesday every Wednesday.

I don’t tell a lot of people that I am a writer in real life. Even if I do mention it, very few people get to read what I write. I’m kind of private about it because I don’t want to be judged. Yesterday, everybody was taken aback at my skill. I hestitate to use the word “talent”. But I’ve been writing for 14 years of my life. I should have some skill by now.

“That poem was… very deep.” said the brother running the tour.

Even Dante was impressed. “Wow. “, he said, as he embraced me. “I didn’t know you had that in you.”

Anyway… the main reason I’m writing about this trip is to commerate it. This is the most spontaneous thing I have ever done in my life. I am extremely pleased with  my choice to come here, even if it was last minute.

21 is the year of “yes”— yes to new experiences, yes to new people, yes to risk-taking, yes to growth, yes to love, yes to openness, yes,yes,yes,yes,yes.

I’ve spent my whole life saying “NO” to things that could have changed it.

This week has taught me the power of “yes”.

I can’t wait to post the rest of my pictures!

I’ve been doing a lot of research on depression lately. A recent article in Women’s Health laid it out on the line:

22%— the average risk of a woman to develop depression

40%— how much risk a woman has of developing depression if one parent has it

Both of my parents suffer from depression.

80+22 = 102% <—- my risk

The same article offered advice in the way of preventative medicine (or in my case, management):

regular exercise: -47%

traditional Mediterranean diet:-30%

2 cups of coffee a day: -15% 

If their research is true, these three simple lifestyle changes slashes the risk of developing clinical depression 92%. Or, in my case, having dealt with the symptoms of atypical depression nearly all of my life, can put me in remission 92% of the time. Ninety.two.freaking.percent.

Depression is one of the five pillars of the things wrong with me emotionally:

1. undune anxiety

2. depression

3. self-debasement

4. isolationism 

5. perfectionism 

Discovering that depression is  manageable without having to deal with the terrifying side-effects of the medications they’d prescribe me was the light of the tunnel I’ve been praying for. And if I can crumble even just one of those pillars, the whole kit and caboodle will collapse. I’ll have a shot at the only thing I’ve ever wanted: a life with a balanced perspective. 

I always feel like I’m running through the forest of  life while looking at things through a magnifying glass. Sometimes I catch great details, but most of the time, I just see lots of little things that are either ugly,dirty or unimportant. I want the whole picture that everybody else sees. I’m tired of looking at ants. Where’s the sunrise, the sequoias, the mountains?

I am tired of missing the forest for the trees. 

There are two sentences I have written on my dry-erase board in my room:

Lost soul, get found. 

Patient, heal thyself. 

These two sentences are my current mantras.

I have spent the last two nights fighting these demons. I don’t know if I’m losing or winning the battle yet, but I know I’ve got the strength to keep fighting through Jehovah. 

“‎”My undeserved kindness is sufficient for you; for [my] power is being made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

• drinks, dancing, Hindi class and studying with Lonie
• crying in my room in my underwear while listening to The Smiths at two in the morning
• early meetings at the Hall and long afternoon naps
• soccer on Sal Paradise’s team
• that old feeling of chills returning as he said my name
• driving around dancing to Daft Punk
• fast food salads and long phone calls behind the wheel
• waking up completely sore and being grateful I’m not at work right now

estoy lista para seguir adelante

1. I’ve been working on a lot of projects lately. These include learning Hindi, cosmology, running, difficult pilates moves, life insurance, psychology, nutrition, sustainable living and being more open with people. This has made it easier to not think about him.

2. It’s been almost two months since I last saw Sal Paradise face-to-face. He’s been updating his Facebook page a lot this month, and so I’ve seen a lot of him in the virtual world. It’s not quite soccer season yet, so our paths have yet to cross again. I’ve been just fine with that. His mum and grandma moved away from my Hall and serve with his older brother now. I miss seeing and talking to them, but I do not miss feeling the shadow of Sal in the room whenever I’m at the meeting. This month is the first month in a long time (if ever) I feel settled in my heart about singleness. Although I’m still open to a relationship, this is the first time in my life I do not mind not being in one.

3. I’ve got four or five trips scheduled within in the next three months. There’s the trip I’m supposed to take with my bosses to Atlanta late April. In May, they may take Abigail and I down to North Carolina with them as well. I’d like to visit Chicago and Toronto via Amtrak before the summer is over. Brianna and I are supposed to drive to New York for three or four days in May. And, if the “I sell insurance” thing goes super well, I want to take a cross-country roadtrip that circles both coasts. I have not a scrap of ennui or angst left. The spaces inside usually reserved for these things are filled up with anticipation instead.

4. Exercising has been my joy. I go lift weights 5 days a week, and I will start running every day as well. I want to be ready for a marathon that takes place here in October. I do a lot of pilates now, and I’m still dancing (I cannot bear not one more night on the elliptical). Diet has been hit-or-miss, but it’s still getting better. I’ve been sleeping enough for the first time in ages. I feel great.

5. I’ve been enjoying spending my days off out in field service with the friends too. We’re inviting people to commerate Jesus’ death with us 5 April, so I’ve been out preaching more often. Tonight the meeting was about time-management and learning how to “make sure of the more important things” (Philippians 1:10) in our lives. Considering how packed my days and nights are, I needed that talk so desperately. Tonight they announced also that they’re forming a new Mandarin Chinese congregation, and they’d like volunteers to learn the language. I might do it, if I don’t end up at Spanish first. I find spring rejuvenating spiritually. We contemplate what Jesus’ death meant for mankind, go out and meet people who are also thinking about Jesus, and realign ourselves spiritually for the year. As you can see, I’ve got a very full plate. Why? Because I’m learning the fine balancing act of “moving on”.

The sun is shining, I’ve gotten a lot of my work done, and I’m learning how to drive my car, one day at a time. I’m almost enjoying it. Work is going okay. Working out has been a delight. I’m looking forward to going preaching this Saturday. I’m hoping to lose at least 10 pounds before March is over. March Madness starting tonight. My hair is finally growing out of that awful haircut last year, and it’s healthy. My diet has most definitely improved. I’m at the library, where the Internet access is strong and the hallways are quiet. I’m making it a goal to discover at least 3 news bands I like every day. I’m going to practise the piano tonight and retune my guitar. I’m looking at an old set of drums at a flea market to get me started. I’m reading books again.  My brother and my sisters are the silliest, most intelligent, most wry, most hilarious kids I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. My parents are both working out now (WORKING OUT. THIS IS A HUGE FREAKING DEAL). My friends and I are spending more time together. I’ve spoken with my usually absent uncle this week and he seems to be doing okay. The apartment/ flat search isn’t as dire as it had once been. I feel very close to Jehovah this week. I’m not allowing any negative comments to slow me down. 

I feel happy today.

Not just okay. Not just contented. Happy. 

I can so get used to this… 

The Blond’s mum called me this afternoon to tell me about a job offer she knew about. Considering how late my tax return will be and how small my last paycheck from my old company will be (if they send it at all), this is perfect. My interview’s on Friday after lunch. Afterwards, I’m going to visit my dear friend Lonie and we will watch Bollywood and eat vindaloo in celebration.

Jehovah’s timing is perfect. As much as I love sitting around in my underwear eating Nutella out of the jar, I know it’s unhealthy to do this everyday.

now the joy of my world is in Zion;

Today was the first day of my circuit assembly. A circuit assembly is like a half convention. Instead of the usual 5000 people, there’s about 2500. How was it?

How is every convention? Beautiful. 

The assembly’s theme was about conducting ourselves as people who love God. Whenever a person of any religion professes reverence to God, one expects a higher plane of behavior, but it seems even more so when you tell someone you’re a Jehovah’s Witness. There was a variety of subjects— gossip, love, social networking, the full time ministry, Bible reading, and growing close to God in love.

My family and I were on time, which is a big deal, because we spend an inordinate amount of time late for pretty much everything. I rode in with Bro. and Sis. Z. I straightened my hair this morning and wore black. I looked and felt great.

People that I ran into include Jon and Noor, Tony and Amy, C & A, Greek God and Goddess, Will from soccer, ‘Ello Governor and his wife Stacey, Taylor the photographer and her (tall, handsome, already-totally-married-what-a-bummer) cousin, Elijah from soccer (with the beautiful dark skin and that soft, sweetly accented voice), awkward but adorable Chad with the eyes, Steve, Joe and Steph, Blue Eyes and Sal’s mum, brother, sister-in-law, nieces and nephews, and nonna. 

I also, incidentally, ran into that Chaldean guy’s family too. They always liked me way better than he ever did, and so it was a delight to see them again (and it didn’t hurt that it happened to be on a day that I looked nice). 

Was Sal there? No. Had he been there this day would have been perfect. With his absence, it was just really, really excellent instead. Considering how the days have been lately, I feel blessed for really, really excellent. I will take it.

The other thing that made my day was meeting a guy whom we’ll call Dante. Dante was tall, dark-skinned and baby-faced. I was coming out of the hallway when he winked at me and smiled. I smiled back, and decided to approach him. We chatted, lightly, before bidding each other adieu. He was… nice.

Why is this random instant of flirting important? The fact that I decided to go for it at all is progress. He made a move, and I actually knew how to make one back. I felt like Liz Lemon for a moment— “BLAM-O! ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL INTERACTION WITH A MAN!”

I hope I run into him tomorrow because if I do, I’m giving him my number. 

The fact that I’m willing and ready to give my phone number to a man other than Sal Paradise means that I’m (maybe? kind of? probably? half-way?) getting over this and moving on with the rest of my life.

And other than the spiritual things to think about (more of which I’ll share when it’s all over tomorrow) , this was the other realization that made this day truly a treat.

When was the last time I felt like a day was a “treat”? I don’t even remember. I try to look at every day as a gift, definitely. Some days are so special that they are like golden apple, a prize, a day full of privilege and joy, unforgettable (e.g. Jon and Noor’s wedding).

But a treat of a day is that extraordinary little thing in-between— as sweet as a breath of air, as comfortable as your favorite pair of pants. It’s a day that is mixed just right with “ordinary” and ” pleasantly unusual”. 

For people who believe in God, it causes us as much chagrin as it causes people who don’t believe in God annoyance when some idiot decides to get on the telly, the Internet or the radio and say ignorant crap like this:

http://www.theweek.com/article/index/105102/Pat_Robertsons_hateful_Haiti_remarks

Titus 1:16- “They publicly declare they know God, but they disown him by their works.”