underpaid + overworked = this job ends as soon as I fix my car/ pay for Mayer Hawthorne tickets/ find something online, e.g. God-willing, within the next three weeks The salary quoted to me? Slash it by 60% and that’s what I make now to be on call 24-7. I was doing better cleaning toilets.
My dad turned 48 today. My mother turned 47 a few months ago. I see grey hair speckling their temples. It scares me.
Dante called me Wednesday. I didn’t pick up. I couldn’t have if I had wanted to; my phone’s talk speaker is irreparable. I’ve listened to the voicemail he left at least 10 times since Wednesday, feeling helpless. I’m praying for strength, but it’s hard not to think of him now every time I dance. I can still feel his arms around me that night we went star-gazing. It is hard to not think of him every time I drive towards the sunset, the night air crisp.
Sal Paradise is in Florida right now. I know this because Facebook floods my news feed with his rants, inside jokes and vacation photos. Apparently, Facebook’s algorithms think we’re a match made in Heaven, and that’s why it shows me everything he does on there. This is after blocking many of his posts. Sometimes I think I would have forgotten him if it wasn’t for Facebook, but my dreams tell me otherwise. He is always in them—black haired and smiling at me, wearing Ray Bans and striped shirts. I wake up feeling the warmth of his hand in mine, a holdover from the dreams. Just when I think I’m no longer mad about him, I so am.
I feel like my life is falling apart. I feel like a hamster in a wheel. Am I going anywhere? Am I doing anything with my life? Where am I going? I am tired of not making enough money to move out of my parents’ dirty house. I am tired of still feeling like a child. I’m tired of working every single day and not coming home with enough to even buy groceries. I’m tired of being up at night longing for men too distant to keep loving. I’m tired of my too big clothes and my broken cars and telephones and my restlessness.
I’d like to go on a sabbatical. Michigan has a LOT of natural forest. I’d like to move to a small town near the coast until it gets cold. Then I’d like to go to Miami and preach in sundresses until it stops snowing here. I’d like to get close to God and nature again. I feel so disconnected from everything lately.