renacimiento

AS YOUR BLACK HAIR BLOWS AND THE CLOCK STRIKES 4 PM

I spent the afternoon with you, inadvertently. We praised the Lord together and laughed with our mutual friends and shifted uncomfortably in each of our seats. You grabbed the knot in your tie as I wrung my hands. Your wide eyes danced across my face. Your knee bounced up and down as I took the seat next to you at the sandwich place. You looked at me meaningfully and then looked down at your hands. We got back in the car, and you and your broad shoulders gratuitously took up a third of the backseat. And there was me— hair still wild even though straightened, running around in a red coat only held together by its name. When it was time to leave, you offered me your warm right hand (even the appendages of you are brawny,dear) and said with a smile, ”Diane, it was a pleasure.” I bid you adieu and told you to be safe, and drove off in my father’s (nearly) derelict truck.

I feel a bit sorry for that girl who was sitting in-between us.Today, there was a maelstrom of all the things that you and I yet leave unsaid, and she was caught in the middle.

• poverty
• rhetoric
• gratutious violence on television

DIRTY RED JEEPS AND LONG WALKS (or, why my heart feels divided sometimes)

I don’t mind the 3.5 mile walk from my 2nd bus stop to home, especially on days where the bus driver arrives whenever he feels like it (like today). But I can’t tell you how relieved I felt when I saw you in your Jeep at a traffic light. Seeing you— tow-headed and broad-shouldered, with your broad smile—was great. You turned off into a parking lot.

“Where are you going?” you ask. Your flaxen hair is almost hidden by a striped skull-cap.

“Home. Bus hasn’t arrived. Thought I’d be marginally more warm walking than standing.”

“You wanna hop in? I can’t drive you far but at least something…”

I just shrug, smile and pull on the door handle. And you unlocked your door and let me in. We conversed, briefly, awkwardly, earnestly. When you let me out, I could feel the warmness of your heart, and it helped warm me from the inside out. Your patience warmed my fingers. Your smile warmed my toes. Your laugh warmed my face. And your kindness warmed my heart.

Thank you.

• The Italian likes the fact I speak Spanish. A lot.
• Speaking of Italian, I can read it.
• There are compassionate people in this hard city; I just happened to meet one of them who is gracious enough to sell me a car.
• I have three friends that I can live with if things go awry.
• My old Pentax 1000 doesn’t command a lot from EBay (a shame; I need to own a Leica).
• American Idol still comes on. (why?)
• I have four days off for the holiday. It’s gonna be nice.

I went to the Spanish congregation today. It was LOVELY.

Praising Jehovah in another language and seeing old friends- Terry, Andi and Cecilia- was beautiful. So was the Mexican food I ate today as well.

I’m very happy.

LINEAR NOTES FROM TODAY (or, things about the people in my life)

1. Happy retirement, auntie! You deserve it. I’m glad I came to celebrate with you (although the gratutious amount of Mexican food I ate today COMPLETELY derailed my diet).
2. There’s nothing worse than when one of your closest friendships end.
3. Dad, I wish you had hit him.
4. My soul mate is a woman named Brianna. Our friendship is based on mutual loves, mutual hates and great gifts. 
5. “you fill me, and thrill me/ I hope this won’t kill me”

I dreamt that the Blonde asked me out last night. He was earnest and sweet and nervous.

And you know what? I said ‘yes’. And the look of quiet trimuph on his face was worth all of the self-doubt, the late nights agonizing, the uncertainty of what my answer would be, for both of us.

1. I have no patience for people who know the consequences and still choose stupidly. One of my best friends is about to ruin his life. And I’ve given my best in trying to help him to be reasonable; but he’s going to destroy himself.
2. I love having money but grow tired of having to work for it.
3. Tutoring is lucrative and enjoyable when you have a bright, kind student.
4. Blue Eyes is a young Atticus Finch. Atticus Finch is an archetype of “men I want to marry”. I hadn’t talked to Blue Eyes in weeks out of fear. I finally had the courage to hit on him yesterday with (moderately) positive results.