“Weeping is not the same thing as crying. It takes your whole body to weep, and when it’s over, you feel like you don’t have any bones left to hold you up.”—Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer (via psych-facts)
1. My mum’s Bible student has Parkinson’s disease and asked for me to come live with her so she can keep her Section 8 voucher.
It’s been about a month since I’ve moved in. We’ll call her Elizabeth. Elizabeth gives me space, cooks great food and has entertaining stories. Her and I talk about Jehovah and our former lives as we build a new one together. I intend to remain there as long as she’ll have me.
2. ASL is like my husband now. I am in love with every little aspect of being with the friends there, and the language itself. It is a delight and I want to serve there for years to come.
3. My job has long hours but there’s cool people here. I’m growing to really enjoy it, even though I doubt I will ever enjoy getting up early in the morning.
4. I’m forcing myself to chat with people I haven’t in a long while on my phone. I’m forcing myself into extroversion. It’s terribly difficult, but rewarding.
“You ain’t got the sense God gave a (insert simple minded animal) !”— Said to a child after being found doing something incredibly stupid. African American Proverb: Black Parents Edition (via blackproverbs)
my joie de vivre lies in the following things these days:
all of my dear ones. I’ve been at my parents’ house for a few weeks while waiting for my jobs to pay me back. It has been good to be back at home, where there is plenty of food and kisses from the kids and late nights up talking with my parents.
sign language. I’ve been attending the ASL hall downtown Detroit for the past month. It has been a delight to learn new signs and get closer to old friends. It’s a rich and colourful way to express oneself.
moving out of the villa with my room mate. Abigail loves me, and loves Jehovah, but we were not meant to live together. It’s easier to be friends without conflict when we’re not having rows about how to mop the floor.
drinks and dancing and party games with my friends. Being close to the city again is great. I have drank martinis, played billiards, listened to music, played charades, danced and chilled out more with my friends in the last two weeks than I have in months. B and I ran into each other unexpectedly to I feel like I’m coming back home from a long, long journey.
good clothes and makeup. Everyone has told me how beautiful I look lately now that I have a job in sales and have to dress up for it.
good job. I landed a job that pays 12 bucks an hour + commission + bonuses within a 30 minute drive of my (new) place. This means I’ll be able to afford payments on a car made in this millennium (that I’m test-driving this week). Other things I’m looking forward to purchasing are expensive underwear, my old cell phone number and more books.
1. Abigail and I are going our separate ways in October. She has shown me much loving-kindness and taught me more about myself and my ways than I have ever known, but I’m moving back to the city. I spent the summer surrounded by stars, plants, dirt roads and silence. As peaceful as it is out here, I miss being able to take a short jaunt to my parents’ house, my friends’ parties, or even my job. Out there in the country, everything is at least an hour away.
There’s also the fact that Abgail is 15 years my senior. This means that there are times where she is judging me to be young and dumb, and I’m judging her to be old and preachy. She also has excessive ideas about what it means for the house to be “clean”. It’s been hard, but worth it to be with her, for she challenges me. I feel like I’ve grown.
2. I have my car back, and have been driving all over town. I got a job at a temp agency where they send me to factories to work. I’m waiting for my next assignment. I straightened my hair and lost 15 pounds. I visited every congregation I used to serve at and everybody all exclaimed, “You look like a different person! You look fantastic!” It was encouraging. I’m still more poor than I’ve ever been, but I also feel a lot closer to the person I feel like I ought to be— well-dressed, active, funny, socially adept.
3. Sunday night, my friends Julian and Claudette hosted a talent show and I performed a poem I wrote about Evan. I mention this because Evan was there.
Can I just say that I spent about four or five days consumed with old lust for him? This is because the man that I saw a week ago was not the man that I dated in the spring. Evan looked fit,relaxed, well-dressed and confident. He had on a black suit with a black tie and dark wingtips. He relaxed his hair and shaved his mustache. He discarded of the glasses. He looked like a million and two bucks. I found myself very, very happy I decided to dress up on Sunday also, for the last time I ran into a man I had history with, I looked terrible.
He and I ran into each other the hallway, where he breathed a soft greeting and touched my arm. My mind took me back to those hands on my waist and shoulders and around me as we danced, him smiling at me as he cradled me in his arms. He performed before I did— two lovely songs he wrote. My mind was taken back to the night we decided to give each other a chance, and my heart ached a tiny little bit.
He heard my poem— a long, fierce, emotive vignette about our brief time together, and how I felt afterward. Three of my friends heard it and felt uncomfortable, and so did Evan. He listened to it with a flushed face and crossed arms and sad eyes. His behavior— which seemed open to me at the beginning of the evening, became clipped and business-like for the rest of the night… mostly.
We both attended Julian and Claudette’s after-party. I wanted to post some photos on Instagram, but my iPhone only works on wifi now because I owe Sprint a lot of money I can’t pay them. I asked for help to find the wifi password on Julian and Claudette’s modem. Evan glided over, leaned close to me, found the number and pointed it out to me. I found myself thanking him with a husky voice.
Abigail and I talked about it after I came home.
"You still want that boy."
"I don’t know what I feel. Except anger at myself for still feeling maddeningly attracted to him.”
"What if he asks you to give it another try?"
I paused for a long time. “I don’t know.” , I sighed, finally. “I imagined before I saw him that the answer was a firm ‘no’, but the man that I saw last night isn’t the Evan I dated in April. He’s a lot closer to the vision I had of him when I decided to give him a chance. He’s a lot closer to the man he’s always wanted to be.” I paused again. “If he’s worked out his mummy issues, the answer may very well be ‘yes’, especially if that’s what he looks like all the time now.”
It’s been a week since we’ve had that conversation (and a couple of others). I don’t know how I feel or if I’m gonna see him again soon, but it was certainly an interesting experience.
4. The days have been beautiful, and I have been gripped with a desire to just ride my bike and listen to James Blake every day for the rest of my life. I cannot do that, however. I’m at the coffee shop looking for a new job that will finance other things I’d like to do. I’ve been in a haze, but I feel like all things will clear up very soon.