renacimiento

1. I’ve received a job offer from an insurance company that’s offering to fly me out of town for ten days for sales school. It seems like a fantastic opportunity, but that niggling voice in the back of my mind is telling me to back out while I still can. I will wait for the recruiter’s email tomorrow and do some more research before I pull that trigger.

2. Evan has asked after me through our mutual friends. My girl Tanya texted me yesterday about it. 

“He asked how you were doing and I told him. I’m sorry. I should have left that to you.”

“No big deal.” I replied. “I’m more shocked he asked. What did you say to him?”

“What you told me— basically, that you don’t want to be friends.” she replied. “He’s really concerned about you.” 

“This is interesting.”, I said. “But if he cares that much, he’ll call.”

This “being strong” thing is really, really hard. I miss him terribly. I miss talking to him. I miss laughing with him. I do wish we could be friends. But I’m protecting my investment in my heart, and the only way to do that is to be strong.  After all, he was the one who walked away.

3. Things I want to do within the next four months of being up here in the boonies:

• get a car that actually runs
• get a job that actually pays okay
• pay off all debt
• save money 
• enroll in school online
• pick where I’m moving to after this is over 

Beforehand, I figured I’d stay in the area— Royal Oak or Ferndale, or back to Hamtramck, where I’m in the middle of everything, but lately, I’ve been gripped with a strong desire to live out of state. I’m thinking of going to New York City, Miami, Chicago, Portland, Austin, Phoenix, New Mexico or San Francisco. Alaska would be on this list, but I have seasonal affective disorder. I love my family and friends, but 12 years in Detroit is more than enough.

improvementneeded said: Well done. You deserve someone who doesn’t think you deserve better but becomes better for himself and you.

Well said!!! And I definitely agree

Evan broke up with me tonight.

Why?

Considering how last week, he was eager to meet my parents….considering three days ago he called me to tell me he missed me after being away for the weekend…considering just yesterday we were talking about moving to Arizona to escape the bitter cold of Michigan…considering that I’ve been up every night for the last four weeks on the phone with this man as we pour our bleeding hearts out to each other….

your guess is as good as mine.

And now, this man, whom I was calling mi cariño in public, whom I cooked dinner and wore makeup for, and whom I was preparing to start a new life with, has said “let’s just be friends.”

“I just don’t feel like I can give you what you need. And you deserve to be with someone who can.” he said. “I feel like it’s best to end it now before it gets too serious. You were great. I just feel like we’re better as friends.”

I could have dealt with that, if not for what happened next.

He asked me to see Star Trek with him tomorrow.

“I’ll come up and get you if you want.”

My voice was soft, but my tone was cold. “No, I can’t do that. You just broke up with me. That’s a date. And yes, I would also like to be friends too. But forgive me, dear, I need some time to process this.” I paused, and my voice hardened. “And you don’t ask someone you just broke up with on a not-date the next day. We are not going to be friends right away. Forgive the analogy, but that’s like if you ran over my dog and then insisted I could still keep it.”

He paused, stricken. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I know. I know you didn’t. But now you see clearly why I can’t.”

“I’m… sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.” We both paused and I added, “It’d be better if you didn’t call.”

“Okay. I won’t.” His voice was soft, apologetic, still stricken. “I…guess…I’ll…see you round then.”

“Goodbye.” I hung up before he could hear me sobbing.

However, I’m not crying on account of HIM…but the part that is wrenching me most of all is how LITTLE I care right now. I agonised for years over Sal, and months for Dante, and many years for other various men who I didn’t have real relationships with. It took me years to move on from them. But banishing Evan from my thoughts will not take me years. This time next week, I am certain I’ll be over it. I immediately deleted our texts, and his number. I immediately changed my Facebook relationship status back to “single”. I immediately defriended him. I will tell my family and friends “don’t worry about him” as soon as the sun rises.

The only real thing I’ve had in years has passed away barely mourned, and that’s the part that hurts me the most. It is hard not to be convinced you’re not unlovable when you’re constantly denied, but I’m coming out of that mentality.

My mindset now is not that I am unlovable. I simply believe that I have not met the right one yet, and I am grateful that he has freed me before I was in too deep.

My mindset now is that I’m completely tired of giving love and not getting what I deserve, so it’s all about my own needs—for a better job, a slimmer figure and a life full of travel.

My mindset now is that I’m finished pining and bleeding for others, and that it is HIS loss, and not mine.

I am an excellent woman, and he will come to regret that he let me go, as they all do.

And I’m done crying, pining, whining, cajoling, compromising for any man. I am claiming myself, mine own self. And mine own self—she is a queen. I am not going to be concerned with the ways of jesters.